Tonight, Thomas Tuchel presents his “uncomfortable” moment in Florida, dragging a very tired England team into the humid, 32°C cauldron of Tampa’s Raymond James Stadium (complete with a giant pirate ship behind one of the goals, in case anyone forgot we’re in New Zealand).
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If you were hoping for a classic, high-octane football class to kick off the summer, prepare to be sorely disappointed. This game has all the hallmarks of a glorified, heated training session that makes for an international event.
Feel the Heat
The FA called the Florida camp a “data-driven access process.” Does this mean they are intentionally baking the players? Coming off a tough home season, the team is thrown into the furnace to see who will fall first.
Don’t look for clever epiphanies or fluid sequences tonight; see how many times Jude Bellingham or Harry Kane have to drink electrolyte gel to avoid suffocation.
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No pain no gain
Friendly games with teams ranked comfortably outside the world’s top-ranked players (New Zealand sit well in the Fifa rankings) serve one purpose for international managers: total insecurity. If England won 5-0, it was a “professional, clinical workout” against an organized block.
If they lack a turgid, error-filled 1-0 win or – heaven forbid – a tie, Tuchel can simply back off and blame the humidity, the hard NFL turf, and “heavy legs” in training. It’s a win for the dugout, and a lose for anyone paying to watch.
Happily, or rather pitifully, the national ‘moment’ will be broadcast free-to-air on ITV, from 8:15 pm BST. We may see Jordan Pickford in goals… but Tuchel has a firm picture of what his star England goalkeeper can do for him and may be tempted to explore what else he has on the bench.
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This is not an egg ball competition
In sharp contrast to the long and storied history of rugby matches between England and the All-Blacks in Rugby Union, this is the third time the two countries have met to play this type of football.
The previous two meetings took place in the same week in June 1991, when Graham Taylor took England on a post-season tour of New Zealand. Former Everton shortstop Gary Lineker scored a 1-0 winner in the first leg, while Stuart Pearce assisted in a 2-0 win in the second.
If tonight’s game is anything like the half-baked, unmotivated leg preparation of those 1991 postseason shows, we’re in for 90 minutes.
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Expect a slow, deliberately painful pace, about 14 substitutions at halftime to completely kill any rhythm, and a very wordy post-match press conference. “loading,” “metrics,” again “conditions.”
Gunners no show
Surprisingly, there will be no Declan Rice or Bukayo Saka, and Eberechi Eze, and Noni Madueke. The stars of the newly crowned Premier League champions have been given a long rest because they were busy tasting defeat in the European final a few days ago. While the rest of the team was baking in Florida, they were cooling their heels…
But in a piece of classic, modern-day comedy, they’re actually set to stay in Florida and hook up with the gang. today – which means they will be watching the game from the air or the hotel, not getting to feel the Bermuda grass under their feet at all.
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England vs New Zealand
Broadcast live on ITV from 8:15 pm BST after team news at 8:00 pm.
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