Creating an online dating profile can feel like creating a Sim for yourself. You write down your hobbies, whether you want children, if you drink or smoke, and other personal information about yourself for the scrutiny of a pool of potential partners. But when the conversation turns to getting to know each other, to setting a date in real life, when does sharing who you are turn into oversharing?
How we present ourselves online is one thing, but if your main goal in dating is to get into a relationship, what are the rules for oversharing once you’re in? Is there anything like telling your future partner the most?
Oversharing in FYP – why do we do it?
With cuffing season — the time of year that starts in mid-October and ends after Valentine’s Day — is well underway, and you may see an influx of matching or newly formed couples in your Instagram feed. That’s not a coincidence, and you don’t think so. Finding love (or looking for it) during cuffing is well documented. This need to marry and find a mate in the colder months also comes down to our biology, with a drop in serotonin levels making us want to connect.
But are we giving ourselves too much to build connections? Sharing more details about ourselves and being open about our past experiences are very different.
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Jasmine Denike he expanded his audience TikTok with her London dating diary series, where she shares her experience using dating apps as an undergraduate in London. He describes the experience as oversharing and exposing himself to TikTok’s sometimes harsh algorithm.
Before she had an online audience of nearly 18,000 people, which grew due to the spread of her dating diary videos, she openly shared details of her partners on social media. It was the breakdown of that relationship that made him rethink how much he shared. “The fact that I scrubbed myself from my education after that, made me rethink this relationship and wanted to keep things ‘secret, but not secret,'” she explained.
Denike has never shared any personal details about her current partner. “But I was talking about what we’re doing, how I feel about him and showing myself to the unforgiving audience that is your TikTok page,” he revealed. “Shockingly, despite sharing my dating journey completely online I would classify my relationship as very private.”
Despite bad experiences from her previous relationships, she found that her online presence boosted her confidence when dating. “It made me feel more comfortable opening up because I was telling them what I was telling them,” he said. “I was lucky that in everything, I met someone who was happy with my participation because he knew that I value his privacy and show him respect for his boundaries.”
‘Sharing trauma’ with new colleagues
Oversharing online is one thing, but what about oversharing with a new date? “It’s important to examine why we want to overshare and tell new people too much personal information too soon,” the consultant said. Georgina Sturmer. On the topic of confidence, Sturmer is passionate about helping women build confidence and resilience. He believes that when you meet someone new, there should be a certain level of vulnerability when you introduce someone.
When we overshare, “do we hope the other person will release us, or take care of us, or act like a sponge to absorb our feelings?” Sturmer asked. “Or do we send a test balloon, to try to determine if we can trust them and if they will listen?”
He says this is where sharing in person and sharing online differ. The first “right now” feeling we have when we share a thought or a moment online can feel awkward, but when it’s reviewed and played out by strangers, the narrative of its meaning is beyond our control.
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“Our digital footprint can last a lifetime, so when we meet someone in real life who knows us online, they probably already have a lot of in-depth knowledge of what we’ve been through. It can remove those initial, delicate layers involved in getting to know someone you’re dating.”
Sharing our past, as Sturmer says, can feel like a way to communicate or unconsciously check if the other person has what we need for support and understanding. After all, modern dating can often involve meeting and getting to know a lot of people in a short period of time, so if you’re dating with the intention of finding a relationship then keeping those wants and needs in mind is important.
Dr. Carolyn Keenana clinical psychologist, suggests balancing restraint on certain topics that can leave you vulnerable and finding a healthy middle ground.
“It’s about finding the right balance – once trust and mutual respect are established, you can feel free to discuss deeper issues. The goal is to create an environment where trust and vulnerability can develop over time,” he said.
Keenan used the term “trauma sharing” to understand the abandonment of trauma. Sharing trauma, he says, can create a false sense of intimacy; sharing parts of ourselves and our stories with new people is a way of trying to show them who we are beyond appearances or high-level interactions.
“It is important to realize how much trauma becomes an important factor in a relationship. Collaborating on positive experiences, shared values, and goals for the future can create a balanced and healthy relationship while closeness due to trauma alone can build a relationship on unstable emotional foundations. .”
Dumping trauma online may feel safe for some people, but for us digital body language may say more about us in advance. A recent study from Hinge revealed that everything from the emojis people use to the length of messages determines whether app users want to meet the person they’re talking to – nearly 56 percent of participants admitted to overanalyzing someone’s DBL and not meeting them.
So, why do we feel the need to share so quickly when we judge each other so harshly? Paul Brunson, Tinder’s global relationship analytics expert you call this”membrane.”
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“We are encouraged to remove the jewelry from our past so that we can move on and be present in our new relationship,” he explained. “Holding on to past experiences, people, and even organisms from that time can hold us back from making new, real connections.”
When should we open up to a new partner?
Revealing the past and all the skeletons in our closets too quickly can risk over-sharing and vulnerability too quickly. But is sharing the nitty gritty parts of our letting go of past traumas or part of opening new relationships?
Brunson believes that, when it comes to sharing our traumas, discussing our past experiences including the difficult parts, can provide an opportunity to grow as a couple and deepen our understanding of our partners.
“When we share our stories, we create space for empathy and connection. Being vulnerable helps build emotional intimacy, which is the key to developing a strong foundation in any relationship,” he says. “It’s important to balance vulnerability and emotional readiness with respect. The ideal game will be more interesting where you’re going than where you’ve been.”
Perhaps the reason oversharing online and on social media feels safe to some is because there is no quick answer to it. There may be comments, likes, or DMs, but it’s very different from sitting face-to-face with someone new and sharing a part of yourself and your past.
Brunson advises dealing with this by prioritizing self-care and therapy instead of using new people or social media to deal with what’s holding you back from meeting someone new.
“Try to focus on the present and the future, and ensure your relationships – new and old, romantic or platonic – are based on present, positive engagement rather than clinging to the past.”
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