As an 11-year-old boy who fought for women-eat-before-men at one of my aunts’ weddings, I was raising men even before I was aware of my uterus.
So finally, when I gave birth to a boy at the age of 41, the bar was already very high.
I thought my husband and I would raise him together, sharing responsibilities, decisions, acting etc. But it was not to be. I was a single parent since my son is four years old and he only sees that I am in charge. Since then, we’ve moved to at least six different homes, lost four cats, several (her) teeth, believed in Santa and the Tooth Fairy and pretended to be grown up.
I don’t know if her feminism and respect for women came from the ecosystem of single mothers (we were surrounded by them and their children) but it must be more than that. With an absent father, a dyslexic grandfather, and a maternal uncle who lives continents away, I didn’t exactly have “male role models” on speed dial – something I was recommended growing up.
As a child, it has been a long time since he was awakened. Almost the poster child for feminism, her icons have always been female – from Dora to Sofia to the Winx Club. He wholeheartedly rejected the world of pink and blue and we always found a middle ground – classic and I made room. Treating a game with female codes as natural was one way. As a child, whenever she was given Kinder Joy toys by “girls” or when people called her “baby”, because of her long bracelets, I didn’t bother to correct them. If we were to break the monarchy, it was as good a place to start as any.
As a youth and feminist, she is quick to call out toxic masculinity, especially those involved in sexism, misogyny and homophobia. When he was 10 years old, I gave him the key to the house, taught him how to cook basic things to survive, wash his clothes, do chores, manage money, etc.
The men in my family never get brownie points for cooking (at least not for me) or caring. Both my father and brother were excellent cooks. Food was genderless at home. I find that this “maa ke haath ka khana” is the biggest roadblock in raising children – boys or girls. A certain moment that got the start – “mom’s hummus”, for example – I ran away from doing. When he was young, I would burst my capillary whenever he called something “nani’s green dal” or “nani’s tomato chutney”. “Just a good story!” I was shouting. It was time to talk about the relationship between food and violence. I started getting her involved in food preparation when I was eight. Some of my friends took the attitude of “I don’t cook” when raising children, but they kept getting other women to cook for them, so all the children saw the woman as the breadwinner. I knew very well what happens when women are relegated to the role of breadwinners and then the burden of children forever. “I miss my mother’s cooking” is not a way of saying that you love your mother.
Money is great too. Women who say “I don’t know anything about finances, my husband takes care of everything” are probably conveying to their sons and daughters that financial power rests with the man. But when your child goes to higher grades, especially when he gets older, suddenly, there is no place for a middle ground. There are different types of poison. You may come across the idea of a herd of male hood or be taken out, it doesn’t mean anything anymore.
So, what does it mean to raise good boys? I asked my son.
“First, you have to go beyond the binary,” he said. Second, maybe you can start by teaching them how to talk to girls.
Instead of focusing on that one or the other way of “raising a boy”, what if we gave them a chance to break out of the traditional (and often harmful) ways of being a boy or a man? Sometimes, even using the term “little man” for boys speaks volumes about our struggle for masculinity.
A good place to start is to reject the binary, to revise our views of gender, to have vulnerable conversations with our children, even if we are not repelled by some of them. Allowing ourselves the opportunity to express unpopular opinions teaches our children that resisting peer pressure or popular opinion is okay, especially in areas of high male pressure.
We need to change the narrative about what it means to be a man and focus on raising good people. Remember that they will show us, so we have to watch what we are doing.
Ultimately, masculinity is a box that traps those who live within it. We cannot completely free ourselves (and our children) from the box, but we can begin to open it. We may never be able to completely eliminate patriarchal boundaries, but in our own world, we can make a dent, no matter how small.
Iyer is a Kodaikanal-based writer, teacher and sourdough baker